I can’t lie. I actually want to throw in the towel. As I write this, I have the urge to go off the grid, close all my accounts, and never be seen again. Life is really hard. Like, really hard. When I left school, ready to embark on this journey called life, I imagined it would be easier. Or if it wasn’t easier, I thought I would at least be able to find a way. Because I saw it: there is always a way.
But right now, it doesn’t feel like there is a way. I’m overcome with grief after watching the funeral of my dear cousin yesterday. Seeing him laying in his beautiful white coffin made it all too real. It finalized it. Solidified it. And now, seeing him there, I know I will never have the opportunity to see him again in this lifetime. The tears wouldn’t come out yesterday. But they sure have come out today. And as much as I know that this part of life is inevitable — after all, no matter who you are, where you’re from, how much you have in your bank account, where you live, just as you were born, you will die — it’s still incredibly painful.
So, there really is no point in being afraid of death. There’s no point in letting it stop you in your tracks. You have to live your life as best as you can. But what if that is the problem? What if you just cannot live the way you want? No matter how hard you work, no matter how much you try, no matter how much you pray, you still can’t move the way you want and live the life you desire.
Right now, I don’t have faith in God, a belief that has driven me most of my life. And yet, I feel like in the latter stages of my life, I have spoken to Him, cried to Him, pleaded with Him, but He doesn’t hear me. I don’t sit and wait for things to happen. I get up and I work, every single day. I strive every single day. I give my all every single day. But things don’t change. It’s as if I am running on the spot, busting a sweat but never actually moving from where I stand.
I can’t even say I am angry or saddened by the situation anymore. It just feels like good times happen to other people, and then there’s me, congratulating them but never being able to receive my own flowers. There’s a line in Nipsey Hussle’s song “Racks in the Middle” where he says, “I’ve been fighting battles up a steep hill,” and it’s a line that stood out from the jump. I heard it, I resonated with it, and now every day feels just like that: like I am trying to climb a steep hill. As I am climbing, every setback comes my way, and when I feel like I am taking five steps forward, I end up taking fifteen back.
The thing is, when you are younger, most of the time you can bounce back. You get knocked down and you’re able to move forward. Well, I was able to. It was difficult, but I did. Every single time. Now, things are harder.
I find the more I ask for help, the less help I receive. The more I state my needs and what will move me forward, the less people respond. Those who could have been influential in moving my blogging journey, moving my magazine, elevating me in my ventures — they didn’t, haven’t, or won’t. What they continually suggest I do to rectify the matter won’t help, especially where my overall mental health is concerned.
And now I am here, in the worst place ever, not knowing how I’m going to get out.
Blogging has become my crutch. It’s where I can organize my thinking and rationalize my thoughts. It’s where I feel heard and where I feel safe.
Hopefully, I find a way. And if not, I’ll make one.
Things You Should Start to Outsource When Running a Business
When you’re running a business, to begin with, you might be the only one who is handling things, and it can be a constant rush of completing tasks to ensure
Unveiling the Benefits of Matcha Green Tea
Hey my loves, it’s been a hot minute since I wrote a post on something I am truly passionate about. But, if you follow me and you really pay attention to me, you will know that I am in love with Matcha Green Tea. I consume 2-3 cups a day and I credit my great skin and my youthful look to drinking this very tea. So are you ready to embark on a vibrant journey of health, energy, and mindfulness? Welcome to the enchanting world of matcha green tea—a superfood that has captivated hearts and taste buds around the globe. From its ancient roots in Japanese tea ceremonies to its modern-day popularity, matcha offers an array of benefits that make it a must-have in your daily routine. Let’s dive into the vivid green wonder and explore why matcha is a match made in heaven for your health and well-being.
How to Stay Motivated When Blogging: 10 Top Tips and Embracing the Power of a Reset
Blogging is an incredible journey that allows you to share your thoughts, expertise, and creativity with the world. However, staying motivated can sometimes be challenging, especially when faced with writer’s block, a lack of inspiration, or the pressures of daily life. For me, I have dipped in and out of my blog and it has been without a doubt due to life’s pressures. However, blogging is and will always be my first love and I have worked really hard to get back in the fold and thought it would be great to share my top tips to keep your motivation high and give you avid blogger/writers a reminder that it’s perfectly okay to reset and start again.
